It’s time for our 38-week check-up. To say my anxiety is high is an understatement. Our older two boys both decided to come at 38 weeks. This time I’m sitting in the waiting room just waiting for my name to be called. First appointment is an US, and then we get to see our OB. My name is called, accompanied by a close friend we walk back to the US room. Seeing the baby via US brought tears to my eyes. Tears of happiness to know he was still ok, still breathing still moving, and tears filled with fear and anxiety of the unknown.

We were in the room for about an hour before the US tech told us that she wasn’t able to see everything she needed to see for baby’s biophysical profile. (For those that aren’t familiar with this, due to having gestational diabetes I needed to have more ultrasounds done to check on baby to make sure he/she was growing, breathing, and moving correctly.) The US tech was not able to capture the number of breaths or movements she needed in order to “pass” baby on the US. What does this mean? We needed to get put on a monitor to track baby’s heartbeat and kicks.

We were placed on the monitor for about 30 minutes before the decision was made to induce. Baby’s heartbeat kept dipping down and baby wasn’t as active as they wanted baby to be. Baby was coming today. These words brought tears to my eyes; I began to panic. My husband was working out of town, I was there with a close friend. I was ready for baby to be here, yet I wasn’t at all.

Upon entering my room, I could feel my whole body shaking. I want to say it was because I was excited, but it wasn’t. I was scared so so scared. My labor lasted 14 hours giving me plenty of time to obsess over the unknown.

I did some research and by that, I mean I Googled Down Syndrome. I learned that all the things the specialist had told we were true….

• Baby may have problems breathing, needing to be put on oxygen as soon as he/she is born.
• Baby may have problems choking, requiring immediate medical attention upon birth.
• Baby may need to be brought to the NICU immediately, or soon after birth due to other complications that can arise with this diagnosis.
• Baby may not be able to crawl
• Baby may not be able to talk
• Baby may not be able to walk

These are the thoughts that consumed me, not the excitement of having a new baby. The excitement of this amazing miracle that was unfolding before us…..

As the labor continued to progress, I couldn’t help but think about what our child will look like.  Will he/she even look like us? Will I be able to hold him or her right away or will they need to take baby?

Our doctor arrived just in time, baby was ready to come out and see the world. The pediatrician was in our room on standby for the “just in case” list of things that could happen. 3 small pushes and he was here.

It felt like minutes before I could hear him cry. It was the quietest little whimper. Our OB doctor placed him in my hands. They continued to suction out his mouth as I held him. I asked why he wasn’t crying more, was something wrong? The pediatrician asked to see him. My eyes filling with tears. All I could think about was please please tell me he’s ok. Lord, I am sorry for not trusting you. Lord, I am sorry for not having faith when I needed to, please let him be ok.

It was only a few minutes before my husband was able to hold him. The pediatrician reassuring him that our little boy is just fine, he’s perfect. My husband placed him in my arms and I just sobbed. He is perfect.

Every child has his or her own path. Sometimes the path may start out a little rocky, a little scary but I urge you to TRUST. Trust in God’s plan for you and your child. Life is far more beautiful when you do.

Unfortunately, I can’t go back in time and redo this experience because there are so many things I would do differently. In my mind, I felt like God took my baby from me. The baby I had dreamed about, the baby I had planned for. My baby was supposed to be this perfect and healthy child. My baby wasn’t supposed to be labeled “special needs”, disabled”. My baby was supposed to be just like his brothers. 28 weeks I battled with God over the loss of the child I prayed for. That’s 196 days, 4,704 hours, 282,240 minutes, 16,934,400 seconds. In only a few short seconds of locking eyes with Myles, I realized I was given everything I prayed for and even more.

This journey isn’t easy. Life has changed as we used to know it. We have been forced to slow down; I have been forced to slow down. I have been forced to be present in the moment with my children. To embrace the time I have with them, at all three stages of their lives. I have been given a priceless gift.

Life doesn’t always go as we plan. Our journeys are full of obstacles and detours. It’s ok to question. It’s even ok to be sad, angry, scared, disappointed….we are all human. God has called each of us. He was a plan for each of us, all we need to do is trust.

 

“Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight”. Proverbs 3: 5-6.

 

In what area of your life will you surrender and trust in God?