It’s time for our 20-week ultrasound. As I sit waiting to be called back, I’m overwhelmed by so many emotions; fear, anxiety, excitement…just to name a few. Fear of the unknown, the health and wellness of baby, will there be a heartbeat, will babies measurements be ok.

Anxiety as I think back to the miscarriages we went through and knowing I have no control of the outcome of this pregnancy. I need to just take a deep breathe trust and believe whatever happens is meant to be.

Excitement as I picture our family of four becoming a family of 5. I smile as I think about how excited our boys are to be big brothers. All the things they want to teach this baby, the dreams all of us have for this child.

My name is called and I head back with a close friend who covered for my husband since he was working out of town. The ultrasound felt like it took forever, after about an hour we were ready to be roomed to see the doctor. When the doctor came in, she went through the ultrasound results telling us how everything looked great. Baby had a strong heartbeat, measuring right where they wanted baby to be. There was a moment of silence, and then the dreaded “however”. “However, we did see a spot on the heart called an echogenic focus, (a bright spot on the heart)”. This finding could be perfectly normal lots of babies have this and they are perfectly fine, sometimes it even goes away.

Down Syndrome? Am I hearing this right? Down Syndrome? I was then asked if I would like to have the genetic testing completed. I hesitated at first, my husband and I talked about whether or not we would do genetic testing and had decided that we wouldn’t because it didn’t matter to us what the testing came back with. We were having a baby and we would love this child no matter what. BUT never did I think the words Down Syndrome would come up at my appointment. I decided to go through with the testing. The next week seemed like an eternity waiting for those results to come back.

 

I remember it like it was yesterday. I just picked the boys up from their aunt’s house, she was watching them while I was at work. We were about half way home when my phone rang. I saw the number and knew it was the doctor’s office. Instantly I felt like I wanted to throw up. I was shaking. I answered the phone, “Am I speaking with Lisa Hill”, yes, I responded. The only other thing I can remember about that conversation was that the test came back with a high indicator for Trisomy 21 (Down Syndrome). I hung up the phone trying to keep it together. The boys were in the backseat I couldn’t react, I couldn’t show emotion not in front of them.

As these thoughts came through my mind, I could feel the tears streaming down my face. It was getting hard to breathe. My oldest asked me what happened…did someone die? I tried to respond everything is ok buddy mommy just doesn’t feel good.

I got home put a show on for the boys and went outside. I paced around the yard; how could my baby have Down Syndrome? How can this be happening? Why is this happening? God?

 

**Have you ever found yourself questioning God and what his plan is for you? What steps do you take to surrender and trust in him? “Thy will be done on earth as it is in Heaven….”